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ISBN: 9781598589528
92 pages
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Part 1

People wonder if there is such a thing as heaven and hell. If there are demons or angels. Myself, there is no doubt. I have visions when I close my eyes and they are terrifying; and because of my lack of imagination, I am surprised by the vividness of it all. Therefore, it seems the only explanation for me is that there is another realm around us. I believe there are forces that can destroy ones soul. I believe there are instances when you can see through someone when you shake their hand. It is then, in my belief, that you can sense the peace within them or see the snake that is waiting for its chance to pounce on you. Sometimes I can see Satan’s spawns. The snarls they make and the aura of hatred surrounding them. They hiss and they whisper, daring me to confront them. Sometimes I do. Then there are times when I feel a gentle voice suggesting I leave before something dreadful happens. Sometimes I am suffocated by these demons. Sometimes I embrace them; it is these times that I then dare them to deal with my fury. Sometimes I dance and drink with them, celebrate. In my heart I know I should leave, but it is so exciting to try to figure out their purpose. It is at these times that I tend to self destruct, I lose all interest in living. Yet I fear not waking up in the morning because of my lack of faith. A fear of being tortured eternally in the pits below us, as I am surrounded by stench and helplessness.

But there are the times that I can feel God, and there is nothing in the world that can deter me from the peace that He gives me. It is a wonderful sense of invincibility. Not feelings of arrogance or ignorance; rather the fact that no matter what happens next is and was always meant to be. And I embrace them as well. There are instances in my life when I am down, and a complete stranger will approach me and tell me that God still loves me. Or I’ll be driving down the street feeling so unworthy and I will see a sign that says “You are forgiven my Son”. I have seen miracles that have kept me from death, especially when I pray that I may live one more day. In prison, before I was being sentenced I sat on my knees, praying for leniency. It was then that a bright light shone through the window, and a shadow of a cross fell upon the piece of concrete slab I was staring at. It was at that very moment I knew everything was going to be alright. No matter my sentence I would accept it knowing that God would watch over me.

Then there are His angels, angels that refuse to let me fall, even when I am desperately trying to destroy myself. I hope through all of this that I can be forgiven for my sins, even though I know that I am unworthy. I wish for Him to embrace my hands and comfort me and give me the strength to live. God bless all of my friends and my enemies, may they not see or feel what I have. For the very few that have pushed me to try and succeed, the ones that have had faith in me, no matter what; and for the ones that actually told me they were proud of me (You know who you are). You have made me a better man, especially when my inse­curities and self-doubts have always held me down.

I have made my own decisions throughout my life; therefore I have no one to blame but myself. I do not regret many of them; had I not taken that path I would not be the man I am today. My heart has been made unbreakable, and I have surrounded myself with walls that are impenetrable. My mind has always been capable of suppressing memories I so needed to forget. For a while I had lost the ability to function in life. With these words that I write I am deeply com­forted. I pray once again that I do not continue to push my loved ones away as I have in the past. That I do not die old and alone. If anyone reads these words and can understand or feel my pain and my emotions, I have done what I sought out to do. If one person is touched, this would be the greatest accomplishment of my life. Then hopefully I may leave this earth peacefully, with His blessing.